the times they are a changin

up close and personal 

i've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. i've been waking up in the night with rapid heart beats and sweats; tossing and turning with a million thoughts simultaneously racing in my mind. i feel every thing around me is changing and though change can be beautiful and good, i can't help but be a little scared of what is unknown and new.

when your a little kid, your biggest concerns are homework or not being able to stay up late. when you're a 'pre-teen' all you think about is freeing yourself from parents. being with friends and counting down the days to taking the biggest test of your life - the driver's license test! then in your late teens the pressure to figure out what college to go to and what the heck you want to do with your life starts to lay on.  well i got through all of that, and if i may say so myself, with flying colors.  sure, those were life changing moments, but looking back its all just a story to tell and memories to laugh at and i predict the same is true with the mid-twenties. life is fabulous at 24/25 yrs old. we're at our prime, i finally have real independence from parents and the relationships with them have changed. no longer do i have a child-parent relationship, but more of a friendly one.  i have the job of my dreams, the car, the boyfriend, the apartment, the dog... everything i imagined i wanted at this age i have, plus more. 

but there are pressures that come with this age that i didn't really anticipate. grandparents are growing old and frail, our parents are showing wrinkles and white hair, childhood pets are no longer around, and the craziest change of all -  friends i grew up with are getting engaged, married, even having children and this is where most of my angst lays...


over night we're all adults and doing "adult" things. now the questions are, "when are you getting married"  or "do you and taylor ever talk about it?" and the [in-direct] yearning our parents have to become grandparents is wearing.  sometimes i think, 'sure... yeah i'd like to get married...' and i'm sure if i did, it would be to taylor, no doubt. but i was never one of those girls that fantasized about prince charming and that dream wedding, and if you know me well, you'll know i've never been too keen on the idea of having children either. i am thrilled for my closest friends that are ready for this step - like really really excited for them; but in all honestly, i'm not there yet. i'd hate to get married for the sake of getting married, or to have kids because everyone else is. perhaps i dont get married until i'm 35, or maybe never, and perhaps the same with having children. sometimes i feel it is so easy to get wrapped up in what everyone else is doing that i forget what it is i really want. i know my mom and taylor's mom are dying for grandchildren, and of course being the people pleaser than i am, feel guilty sometimes because i know that isn't something taylor or i want right now. the lines get blurred on what it is i want and what it is others want. i've always had trouble defining where it is i end and another person begins. so there are moments when i find myself in conversations that i'd much rather not be a part of... at least for now.

what taylor and i have right now is a beautiful thing. i love the spontaneity of our relationship - weekend travels and the option to make silly decisions and mistakes.  i feel like there is still so much to do before i settle down - maybe i move to another state or country? maybe i decide on another career path? or maybe i just want to stay young for a little while longer?  i have the rest of my life to be someone's wife or someone's mom. i hate to quote john mayer, but i think of his lyrics from stop this train - "stop this train, i want to get off and go home again, i can't take the speed its moving in...so scared of getting older, i'm only good at being young"

perhaps its coming from a divorced family thats got me spooked. lately, i've found myself thinking to those times that were just 5 years ago when my world felt like it was falling apart. divorces are a horrible, horrible thing. the one thing you think is safe and consistent, your family, is broken and it leaves you feeling broken. i don't know that i ever healed from that, or if i ever will? 

i honestly think marriage should happen when it doesn't "matter" - i dont believe marriage really should change anything, rather it should be something you do because it doesnt matter if you're married or not. you just want to be with that person...

for now, i'm enjoying every bit of being young and 24. i'd like to enjoy...like really enjoy... all the steps that lead up to whatever it is that is supposed to happen. taylor and i moved in together a few months back and its been an absolute blast coming home to my best friend everyday. maybe we're meant to be forever, or maybe not. but i'm not going to get hung up on settling down with him or anyone for that matter just yet.

*i welcome all of your thoughts...