Tuesday, May 22, 2012

up close and personal: changes

i realize it has been a while since i've been here! not to worry, i think of you every day. for the sake of keeping this blog genuine, i only blog when i feel like it (as bratty as that sounds), but its true, i won't blog for the sake of blogging...

but im here and tonight i feel like filling you in on what has been going on in the past couple of weeks. life overall has been great. to start, i was given a prettyyy healthy raise at work. i was quite suprised at the amount! it came at the perfect time. i'm excited to pay off/down some things and be on my merry way debt-free.

other than that, i've been dealing with new life experiences that have been quite challenging, but rewarding at the same time. perhaps it comes with being 20-something, but life seems to be changing faster than ever. for someone like me, where change and uncertainty have always been a big challenge, ive been put in situations that are forcing me to cope a little better - i really have no other choice, otherwise i'd be losing my mind! taylor's furniture business has really taken off, so much so, that he quit his day job and is taking his furniture on full force. i am so proud of him and feel blessed to be with a guy that is not only handsome and smart, but ambitious and passionate. he's an inspiration to me every day... and i hope that i am to him too.  but with this new endeavor comes hardships too. no one said starting a business would be a cake walk...scratch that... in relevant terms, no one said being with someone who is starting a business would be a cake walk. i have had countless lonely nights. things we used to enjoy together regularly, like cooking dinner watching our favorite t.v. shows, going to farmers markets, etc have all been put on hold and i find myself doing them alone. i've picked up a few things to preoccupy my time, like go to the gym every day after work, take molly on long walks, etc., but nothing that fills that need to be with my partner.  i was very anxious the past couple of weeks wondering if this is something i want to commit to in the long term - can i be with someone that won't be around much? will i be like my mother who was married to a work-a-holic and was lonely? oh the what-ifs!

well with a little help from some wise women in my life (you know who you are) ive come to a happy, peaceful place. it was hard to get here, and im sure there will be more trying times to come, but if i could share some advice that i've been given and advice that i've formulated on my own i feel it may be helpful for some who find themselves in my position... or a similar position.

i'm beginning to understand that loving unconditionally allows you to be you and him/her to be him/her. as hard as it is for me to fully accept, i understand that it is good to just love someone without guarantees. it will make me (and him) independent and strong. it is really a necessary lesson we must all learn in life. needing guarantees in life can lead to crazy making (trust me i know) and having faith that all will be okay no matter what is a peaceful existence. i'm sure it will take life experience to fully get that there are no guarantees... just wishful thinking... but im going to try as much as i can to remember this when i am feeling insecure.

i think coming from a family where the begginning of my life was incredibly unstable (alcoholic mother, affairs, work-aholic father), to things getting easier and "seemingly" safe, to chaotic again in my late teens until recently, i live in a state of "impending doom". in a [sub-conscious] effort to feel safe, i try to grab things that i can trust to be a "constant." things are always changing (like day-by-day!) so nothing ever feels stable.

in many ways taylor is the perfect match for me (and hopefully me for him). he is honest and lives in the present and it forces me to be okay with what is in front of me - not what is 5 years ahead. trying to learn how to deal with change will not only be good for my relationship(s), but with work and other things. this is a scary time in my life because i'm experiencing new things i have no past reference for. sometimes i feel that if i had something to hold on to as a safety net (like knowing whether or not he wants to be with me in the future), that things would feel less "scary".

i find myself falling into "well why doesnt he say he wants to be with me forever!?" its so easy to go there. and then i talk to girls who care only about finding a man that will marry them. they don't say i want to find someone i can grow with, travel with, experience lows with. it all seems backwards (or perhaps im backwards?) and its moments like those when i'm able to take a step back and realize thats not what love is all about. i think im exactly where i should be at right now (i mean i guess there are no rules so if i say & feel that i am, then i must be, right?). my aunt gave me the best advice once that has stuck with me - "you should get married, when it doesnt matter..."

anyway, i am so proud of my b and everything that he accomplishes on a day-to-day basis. i'm happy i can be with someone that will help me grow, someone who allows me to be me and to explore things that i enjoy outside of him. its also nice to hear that he is proud of me and all that i have accomplished in the past year. together we are becoming 2 separate, incredibly whole people that make for an outstanding "us".

i can honestly say i don't know what will happen (who can?), but i know that right now is fabulous and im happy with who and what i am becoming. im gaining confidence & working on myelf and that is very important (and hard)! i see how easy it is to fall into what everyone else is doing (trust me, i know!), but in my heart of hearts i dont feel like time is being wasted. i support everything taylor is doing and enjoying the time that we do have together. i'm also taking advantage of the time when he's away to explore some interests - like baking, jewelry making and photography.

i believe in love, i believe in patience, i believe in awareness

i'm also learning to believe in timing...

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