Thursday, February 6, 2014

an attempt for normalcy + happiness again

funny that it seems easier to write when feeling i'm a little down. i struggle to write when i'm feeling happy.. but heres my attempt at it.

my world has been feeling bright again. most the dust has settled from the end of last year. my dad is doing tons better and on the road to recovery, my relationship feels clear, im closer to my friends more than ever, work is going well... i still feel some stresses (mostly with work), but i have no complaints about anything at the moment. i can breathe again, and its a freeing feeling. i rounded out the end of last year and into the beginning of this year with a lot of questions and a lot of confusion. i felt trapped, overcome and down right exhausted. i like to be needed, but i felt TOO needed. i was spent, and lost myself for a moment there. i felt like nothing would ever be normal.

sometimes i feel overwhelmed when i think of all that has happened in such a short amount of time -- namely my dad's illness. while i was in it, it felt like eternity! it blows my mind to think that just a few months ago doctors were telling me to stay close to my phone incase the decision to put my dad on life support had to be made; the nights sitting alone in my office with panic attacks; sneaking to the bathroom at a Las Vegas photo shoot to breakdown and cry. my whole world was thrown for a loop. everyone told me how well i was handling everything. i may have looked okay on the outside, but trust me, it was REALLY hard. it was the most chaotic, empty time in my life. nothing made sense-- nothing! i did things i wouldn't normally do, felt things that i wouldn't normally feel, thought things i wouldn't normally think. i've always been known for being hyper-responsible. "chelsea alwaysss does things right and is always accountable." i take pride in being responsible, and i believe it be a part of my "identity"; but at the same time, this comes with an immense amount of pressure. it was so much pressure that i found myself wanting to fail a little to prove to people that i'm not perfect. this was all new for me -- i was in desperate search for an escape.

things are much better now. as my dad gets better, so do i. my mind feels clear -- i have that sparkle in my eye, and when i wake up in the morning, i find myself excited about the day again.  sure the dust hasn't completely settled, but i'm starting to feel normal again -- like i can start to pick up where i left off 6 months ago.  through all of this, there was definite good that i can now recognize - i proved to myself that i am stronger than i give myself credit for and that indeed i'm NOT perfect .. and thats ok! i make mistakes like everyone else and have breakdowns like everyone else. i'm human.

it was a pretty rough beginning to the new year in just about every area of my life (my relationship felt broken, family, work changes..) but as they say "time heals all", and it has and will continue to.

i attempt to be completely candid here in hopes that my life experiences resonate with others and that someone out there who is going through what i'm going through won't feel so alone -- because i very much know how that feels. 

i have much to be happy about today, and for that i am blessed.